Prosecutors in Scotland have been ordered to take all race-crime suspects to court, even if there is no evidence against them and much money is wasted in quite fruitless charges.

Former prosecutor William Frain-Bell revealed that the Scottish Executive had made the ruling essentially for political reasons; it would look good for the politicians if they could show that they were taking 'racism' seriously. (February 2004)

Brian Conn, a chemist in Chadwell Heath, Essex, was assaulted in his shop and beaten unconscious. However, he recognised his attacker as a former customer, and provided the police with his name from Pharmacy computer records. In addition, he was able to take a photo of the man just before the assault took place and supplied the police with the photo.

The police did nothing to catch the thug (whom the photo showed to be black) but instead warned Mr Conn that he had breached the data protection rules by supplying the man's details from his records and that as a result he could face prosecution. (February 2004)

A new approach to teaching is to be introduced into schools at a cost to the tax-payer of £5 million. The idea is to get pupils to talk to teachers about their feelings. The scheme has formed the basis of a new academic subject to be known as 'emotional literacy', and it has to given the same importance in primary schools as the three Rs. The theory is that it will help teachers to tackle disruptive behaviour.

In one suggested activity, pupils act out every-day actions, such as changing a light bulb while demonstrating a feeling they have chosen. Their class mates must then guess what feeling that is. (January 2004)

Arin Sain is a 'Diversity Co-ordinator' employed by Thurock Council (Essex) at a salary of £35,000 a year. In an interview with the 'Daily Mail' he described his job as 'institutionalising' equality laws.

The job involves writing guidelines for the council to help it avoid discriminating on the grounds of race, gender, or disability. He said that he was quite offended when people described the job as silly. (January 2004)

The village of Merton, near Okehampton in Devon, has for years had a regular tradition of putting on pantomines for the local kids at Christmas-time. This year, the plan was to stage on called 'Snow White and the Seven Asylum-Seekers'. The panto told the story of seven asylum-seekers called Chemical Ali, Comical Ali, Back Ali, Dark Ali, Bowling Ali, Ali G and Ali Kiss-Angel. The seven were working illegally in a nearby quarry and living off baked beans in a cabin in the wood.

But the Commission for Racial Equality got to hear of the event and demanded that the show be cancelled. The pantomine society, known as the Merton Players, capitulated, but not before its writer, Bob Harrod, resigned from the Players in disgust at their cowardice. (December 2003)

A twelve year-old tearaway form Leeds with a long crime-record, including burglary, criminal damage, assault, and joy-riding, has been offered a £150,000 scholarship to an exclusive public school.

And Knowsley Council, on Merseyside, is spending £228,000 of the taxpayers' money to send young criminals on adventure holidays in Scotland and the Lake District. This follows the same council's decision to take a gang of hooligans to Alton Towers to keep them out of trouble at Halloween. (December 2003)

Criminals are being spared prison sentences because jails are overcrowded and there isn't enough money to build new ones.

But a £2 million scheme has begun for painting jail cells pink to make the inmates feel happier.

Cell walls have already been redecorated in a variety of other pastel shades at five prisons. Flowers and ornaments have been placed in cells and on landings in order to make prisoners feel 'calmer'. (November 2003)

Britain is likely to adopt a ruling from the European Court of Human rights which says that trans-sexuals must be allowed to take part in sporting events under their new gender, even if they have not yet had genital reassignment surgery. Opponents of the ruling have argued that this would give male-to-female trans-sexuals an unfair advantage. (November 2003)

Known drug addicts are to be offered short cuts to university degrees on the basis of 'valuable life experience' they have gained.

The deal is being offered as part of a higher educational scheme called the 'Accreditation of Prior Experimental Learning' which allows universities to waive up to two thirds of courses if students can show that their previous experience overlaps with the lessons. (October 2003)

A race activist who works for the Crown Prosecution Service is to leave her job with a £250,000 pay-off after claiming to be the victim of 'discrimination'.

In return for this settlement Indian-born barrister Maria Bamieh has agreed to drop a series of tribunal claims.

A report in the 'Daily Mail' (6.9.03) admitted that the case was the result of the Director of Public Prosecutions Sir David Calvert-Smith acknowledging that the CPS was 'institutionally racist'. The report said: "His policy of admitting racism in his organisation has helped to generate numerous claims against the CPS." (October 2003)

Kim Munro is a child-minder in the village of Whiteparish, near Salisbury – an area where ethnic minorities are extremely thin on the ground.

But she was visited last month by an Ofsted inspector who took her to task because among the dolls she used for her charges to play with there were insufficient black and brown ones. This, apparently, was indicative of 'racism'! (September 2003)

A Manchester man has become he first person in the country to be given an anti-social behaviour order banning him from using the term 'Paki'.

Michael Guilfoyle, of Ardwick, was made he subject of he order after he used he word in 'phone calls to council staff over his application to be rehoused.

According to a report in 'The Guardian' (13th August), if he utters the word again in public, or on the 'phone to council staff, he could face up to five years in jail. (September 2003)

A teacher at a leading private school has been in trouble for allegedly forcing a pupil to crawl across the floor with a spoon of water in his mouth and telling the other pupils to kick him if he spilled a drop.

The boy's parents were furious when he came home with bruises from the £2,453-a-term King Edward V1 school in Southampton.

Police cautioned religious teacher Timothy Tofts over the incident. Mt Tofts explained that he was merely trying to demonstrate to first-year pupils how the Jews must have suffered in Nazi Germany. (August 2003)

Two hundred asylum-seekers enjoyed a museum outing at the tax-payers expense in late June. Newcastle-upon-Tyne City Council splashed out £2,500 on hiring a fleet of four coaches and paying all the entrance fees for the trip, which was to the Beamish Museum in Co. Durham.

A council spokesman said the event celebrated the region's cultural diversity and taught the refugees, who were from Iraq, Zimbabwe and Somalia, about Britain's history. (August 2003)

An item from Madhouse Australia.

An academic at the University of Queensland has been given a grant of £32,000 from the State Government to prove Jesus was 'gay'. In the course of his researches he has come to the conclusion that three of his disciples were homosexual also! (July 2003)

Now it's tights for men! The hosiery firm Laura Godsal has found there is such a demand for this commodity among the male transvestite population that the firm is going into production on a large scale.

Miss Godsal found that the product she made for women was attracting a considerable male clientele, and so she decided to go one better and make pairs specially designed for the male shape. (July 2003)

Wounded Para Ricky Trueman came home last month from Iraq to his family in Doncaster to a hero's reception. The house was festooned with yellow ribbons, balloons and 'welcome home' banners.

But a local council official didn't like the welcome party and promptly ordered the decorations to be taken down on the grounds they were a 'safety hazard'.

Ricky, who suffered shrapnel wounds in a land-mine blast near Basra said; "After what I've been through it leaves a bad taste." (June 2003)

Wanted Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Trans-gendered (LGBT) Community Liaison Officer . Salary £17,412 - £19,056 (plus shift and weekend allowances). Apply to Sussex Police, Brighton Police Station, John Street, Brighton BN2 0LA. (June 2003)

A man in Tyne & Wear made 2,500 calls to the new tax credit help line before being connected to a member of staff – who then told him the claim form he needed would take 15 days to arrive. (May 2003)

Karen Buckley, who has three teenage children, was chosen 'Mum of the Year' by a local newspaper in Rochdale, Lancashire. After receiving her prize she disclosed that she had had a sex-change operation and that in fact she was the 'father' of the children. (May 2003)

The story of the Three Little Pigs and their escape from the Big Bad Wolf has been removed from classrooms at an infant's school for fear that it will offend Moslem pupils.

And all other children's stories involving pigs, including Babe, have also been cleared off the shelves at Park Road School, Batley, West Yorkshire.

The headmistress, Mrs Barbara Harris, has defended her decision saying that she was aware of the 'religious sensitivities' of her pupils, 60 per cent of whom are Moslems. (April 2003)

A man jailed for smuggling drugs worth £268,000 into Britain has been awarded £3,000 by the European Court of Human Rights for invasion of privacy. He complained that the police had been intercepting his pager messages. (April 2003)

A Kid's Book called 'Hello Sailor' has been going on sale for Valentine's Day last month – telling about the 'powerful' relationship between a lighthouse keeper and his seaman pal.

Kate Wilson of Macmillan publishers said: "It's a book you might decide to share with a child to show relationships between men are OK." (March 2003)

Two divers in Shoreham, Sussex, saw a woman floating in a river and immediately drew the matter to the attention of the police nearby. The police replied that they had seen the woman in the water, but had assumed she was dead and did nothing.

But half an hour later the dives saw the woman moving. They plunged in and dragged the woman out, whereupon she was rushed to hospital, where she was soon on the way to recovery. (March 2003)

Donkey Nonsense

The law is an ass

Entertainment has been provided in my part of the West Country by the instruction from Defra that, EU Commission Decision 2000/68, Rosa Drohan from the Somerset Village of Marksbury must pay £44 for "passports" for two ageing donkeys, Popsy, 25, and Dillon, 11.

Brussels officials have ruled that by the end of the year all horses and donkeys must join cattle in having passports to aid disease control. Rosa wonders why her donkeys should need "passports" when their only experience of foreign travel is walking a few yards down the road to graze the village churchyard.

This was why, when she saw the voluminous form she must fill in to apply for the passport asking to what "use" she puts her donkeys, she was tempted to put "organic lawn mower". It is unlikely that Brussels would be amused. (Sunday Telegraph 23-2-03)

The government may have doubts about whether burglars should go to jail – but, extraordinarily, it seems to have few doubts about jailing anyone who does not obtain a passport for a horse.

It is shortly to embody in British law EU directive 2000/68 which requires that every horse in the EU must have a passport with it all times by December 2003. This will be achieved by statutory instrument, and according to current proposals the penalty for owning a horse without a passport will be £5,000 or six months in prison. ('Eurofacts' January 31st 2003)

While down in London the Metropolitan Police are planning to offer serving officers bounties of up to £600 each for every black or other ethnic minority recruit that they persuade to join.

And that's not all; the force is also considering an all-black intake at its training college in Hendon as part of a package of 'radical' new measures aimed at boosting the number of ethnic officers in the capital. (January 2003)

Greater Manchester police have run-up a bill sending Christmas cards to all known villains in the area pleading with them not to offend any more. (January 2003)

Asylum-seeker Mahammed Abu-Zahra won £9,000 damages last month – for being sacked after just four days in his job.

Mohammed sued his bosses for racial discrimination after he was fired from his post as a night-porter for – you've guessed it! – refugees.

After coming to Britain and settling in Hartlepool, he landed the job at nearby Stockton, but the management was immediately unhappy with him, saying he had an aggressive attitude. "I love Britain," he said upon hearing of the award. (January 2003)

Ceal Flyover was the winner of a prize of £30,000 last month from the Paul Hamlyn Foundation as part of the Foundation's policy of awards to encourage artists' development.

The winning entry? A black plastic bin bag filled with air. Apparently, when the artist put it on display in an exhibition in Coventry it had to be labelled every evening to stop cleaners dumping it with other refuse. (December 2002)

Barnsley Metropolitan Council is urgently seeking the services of a Homophobic Harassment Officer (working for the Racial Harassment Strategy Co-ordinator). The pay is £10,900 for an 18 hour week, equivalent to just under £22,000 for a full week – more than firemen's pay before the recent strike. (December 2002)

Rampton Mental Hospital, Britain's best-known insane asylum, has introduced a new rule governing job applications. Anyone seeking a position on the staff will have to submit to an interview by inmates, who will help to decide whether they are appointed. (November 2002)

A government-sponsored booklet has been issued in which parents are told not ever to shout at their children. Instead of scolding their kids, the booklet says, mothers and fathers should shower them with praise - whatever they might have done.

In a newspaper report it was said that the booklet indicated a shift of government thinking closer to the ideas of banning 'psychological violence', which is outlawed, along with smacking, in some European countries. (November 2002)

Police had to release six suspected illegal refugees last month when immigration officials said they were too busy to deal with them.

The men, all found with lock-picking tools and a £20 note after alighting from a lorry in Brentford High street, were told to "enjoy England" by an officer. A Scotland Yard spokesman confirmed the incident and added that the immigrants were advised that they should visit a DSS office. (November 2002)

Labour-held Camden Council in North London has stripped its town hall of portraits of former local government elders because they have been deemed 'too white'.

Around 40 paintings, dating back to the 1800s, of former mayors, alderman and town clerks have been removed because it was said they no longer reflected the "modern and diverse community" in the borough. They may be replaced by pictures of influential black figures. (October 2002)

An epilepsy sufferer in Balbeggie, Perthshire, has been ordered to pay £3,500 in compensation to a woman who was upset by his contorted face during a seizure.

The court at Perth told Edwin Young he must hand over the money to Yvonne Rennie, who claimed she suffered post-traumatic stress after she witnessed Mr Young's expression at the time of the attack. (October 2002)

One of the latest wheezes the Government has come up with to cope with public pressure over immigrants is to offer Afghan asylum seekers money to go home. The Home Office has announced that individuals will be paid £600 each and families up to £2,5000. No one has explained why offers of this kind, which amount to really big money in Afghanistan, will not encourage more and more of such immigrants to come here because, even after paying their fares, they will still be left with a tidy profit at the end of it all. (October 2002)

BLACK teenager Daniel Jethoo was racially abused by white youths in a pub in Herfordshire. He went home and returned with a sword. By then his abusers had gone, and so he picked on another White, Bradley Knight, who had had nothing to do with the previous incident, and plunged the sword right through him. Knight died of his wounds.

At court last month Jethoo was acquitted of murder but was convicted of manslaughter and wounding with intent. Giving him a six-year sentence, Judge Findlay Baker expressed sympathy with him over the `racist' abuse and ruled that this was a mitigating factor! (Sept. 2002)

PAT BOTTRILL (60) is a nurse with a 40-year unblemished career who until recently was an official at the Royal College of Nurses. At a private meeting of staff recently, she jokingly and completely innocently used the expression `Ten Little Niggers' - an old nursery rhyme phrase familiar to children of her generation.

Someone reported her and she was forced to resign. This caused a public outcry and at present her case is being reviewed. If she is reinstated, it will clearly be only on the condition, Stalin-style, of a grovelling apology and admission of `heresy'. Watch this space. (Sept. 2002)

A BUS company in Birmingham is having 30 special hats made to accommodate the dread-locks of its Rastafarian drivers. (Sept. 2002)

CHIEF Constable of North Wales Richard Brunstrom (known to some in his force as `Brainstorm'), has spent £5,000 of local taxpayers' money on telling his officers how to be 'nicer' to each other. This is the same top cop who recently issued officers with face cream to protect them against excessive sunburn - in North Wales of all places!( Sept. 2002)

WENDY MIDDLETON (67), a retired nurse who tried to refuse an Asian council official access to her flat and then covered her nose while he was present, was fined £200 for `racist' behaviour by Cheltenham magistrates. She had claimed she was worried that he might carry TB as he had told her he had been to Mecca. (Sept. 2002)

PLANS were announced last month to provide private health care for asylum-seekers while they are waiting in Britain to have their applications for settlement decided upon.

Home Secretary David Blunkett has said that he believes his proposed accommodation centres for the applicants should include their own health care provision to take pressure off local Gps. (Sept. 2002)

AN ILLEGAL immigrant has been jailed after he was caught trying to leave Britain!

Bezim Elezi got fed up after 10 days here that he decided to go back to Albania. But British customs officers arrested him on his way out at Dover for using fake ID. Now he has to stay here to serve a six-month sentence - at the taxpayers' expense of course! (Sept. 2002)

ADMIRING visitors to the Tate Modern saw nothing unusual in the sight of a small cardboard box on exhibition with other boxes stuck inside it. In fact the box had been surreptitiously placed there by a group of students as a `spoof exhibit - though it looked no less a work of art than the other items on show. (Sept. 2002)

MARK KEANE has won £7,000 compensation from an NHS trust. The reason? It rejected his application to be a phone operator because he is deaf. (Sept. 2002)

THE tradition of firemen being alerted to fires by a loudly clanging bell sounding in the fire station is due to be abolished. The reason is that the bell is thought to cause `stress' to the firefighters though the system has been in operation for more than a century.

At the same time, Gloucestershire Fire Brigade has banned crews from sliding down the traditional poles in the light of new European safety directives. Henceforth they must take the stairs - even if the extra time taken might result in loss of life on the part of a fire victim. (Sept. 2002)

A CONVICTED burglar who took hostages and assaulted prison officers while in jail stands to receive up to £28,000 compensation because his sentence was extended as a punishment.

Prison authorities imposed hundreds of extra days on Carl Francis for offences including making weapons, assaulting fellow inmates, pouring boiling water over a prison officer and a `dirty protest'. But last month he walked free from Wakefield prison after a European Court ruled that increasing prisoners' sentences violated their `human rights'. (Sept. 2002)

BARRY Greenbury, governor of Whatton Prison (Nottinghamshire), a detention centre for sex offenders, has been revealed as `gay' himself. This was after two complaints of sexual harassment by inmates. (August 2002)

MINORITY ethnic employment outreach officer. Salary starting at £19,770 and rising to £21,078 on 2 year fixed term contract. "You will be responsible for promoting, delivering and monitoring a new customised Employment initiative targeted at excluded Minority Ethnic individuals... You will assist jobless people to make the transitions into employment through extensive and pro-active outreach work. The post will be expected to raise awareness of equal opportunities/diversity policies and increase the take up of local employment service provision by both employers and minority ethnic communities... " (advertisement in the Bolton Evening News). (August 2002)

A THEATRE company in Derbyshire staging Hugo's `The Hunchback of Notre Dame' is to rename the play `The Bellringer of Notre Dame'. The reason, according to the play's director Andy Barrow, it is to avoid causing offence to hunchbacks and other people with disabilities. (August 2002)

BARRY GEORGE, killer of TV celebrity Jill Dando, is receiving counselling to compensate him for stress suffered during his murder trial. The cost to the British taxpayer is expected to come to about £25,000. (August 2002)

ONE of the reasons why 1,500 homes for the elderly have been forced to close down in the past few years is over-regulation - the increase in petty red tape. Now this is to extend further. Government inspectors have told owners they must prepare written codes covering racial harassment, ethnic equality, gay sexual rights and HIV and AIDS prevention, alongside 40 other 'policies and procedures'. (August 2002)

LONDON motorists have recently noticed that traffic lights are staying on red for longer. It is believed that this is part of a programme instigated by Mayor Ken Livingstone to discourage more car-drivers from the capital. (August 2002)

CULTURE Secretary Tessa Jowell has recently issued schools with a `sports day tool kit', part of the purpose of which is to replace traditional competitive games with "problem-solving activities." The idea of scrapping competition is to make sports days `inclusive' of everyone. Mrs. Jowell doesn't like the traditional school sports programme in which "It tends to be the most active, the strongest and the fittest who succeed." (August 2002)

OIL GIANT British Petroleum has embarked on a drive to recruit more ethnic minorities, `gay' men and lesbians to its workforce. Chief executive Lord Browne, a 54-year-old bachelor, says he wants his firm to lose its `golf club culture and end its traditional recruiting methods, which he believes encourage only white Anglo-Saxon men. (August 2002)

MRS. Sandra Thompson (52), of Plaxtol, Kent, was constantly kept awake at night by a neighbour. When she asked the neighbour to cease the noise and switch off the security floodlight that caused this, a row broke out and nothing was done. Desperate, she reported the matter to the police. And what next? Why, Mrs. Thompson herself was arrested! She had not known that the neighbour, Mrs. Janette Gower, was a gypsy and that her complaint was classified by the police as `racial harassment'. The case was thrown out of court after Mrs. Gower had failed to attend as a witness, but not before it had cost the taxpayer £10,000. (August 2002)

A GROUP of villagers in Whitchurch, near Bristol, made citizens arrests of two youths who had stolen a car and used it for joyriding. They then phoned the police.

After two hours, no police had turned up, and the villagers were forced to let the youths go. Later they returned and smashed another stolen car into a garden wall, then set fire to it. Only then did the police appear. (August 2002)

WHILE Britain is groaning yet further under the influx of asylum-seekers, the Government is to give British passports to 35,000 Asians who were left stateless after the decolonisation of Africa. Said Home Office minister Beverley Hughes, "We have a moral obligation to these people." (August 2002)

WHILE Norfolk Farmer Tony Martin languishes in jail for the `crime' of shooting dead a burglar in defence of his property, the burglar's accomplice, Brendan Fearon, has been granted legal aid to sue him (Martin) for compensation for irjuries suffered in the same incident. The initial grant is £5,000, but it could be extended if the legal expenses go beyond that estimate. (August 2002)

THOUSANDS of drug addicts are to be given free heroin on the NHS in an attempt to reduce crime.

Home Secretary David Blunkett has made an order to this effect with the idea of removing the need for junkies to rob and burgle to get the money to feed their habit.

It is expected that this will result in a big boost for shares in the pharmaceutical industry. (July 2002)

A NURSERY SCHOOL in Hampshire has banned staff using the words 'naughty', 'silly' or 'bad because they are 'negative labels'. Instead they must just praise the 'good' aspects of children's behaviour. (July 2002)

TRAVEL AGENT Dominic Speakman, of Bolton, Lancs, wanted to open a coffee bar for his staff, so he sent an advert to the local job centre asking for a "friendly catering manager." The Job Centre rejected the advert on the grounds that its wording amounted to discrimination against unfriendly people!

In the Daily Mail report of this incident it was stated that a similar thing happened two years ago in Walsall, in the West Midlands, when the Job Centre there rejected an appeal by a publishing firm for `hard-working' recruits on the grounds that it was offensive to those who were lazy! (July 2002)

IT IS NOW being proposed that Urdu and Punjabi be given a higher priority than French and German in the school language curriculum. Advocates of the idea, who have a lot of support in the teachers unions, say that it would better reflect the 'ethnic mix' of the British population. In addition to this, it is being suggested that African languages should be given the same importance in schools as the main European languages. One headmaster, Tim Benson, of Nelson Primary School in East London, says that the raising of the status of African and Asian languages would "promote feelings of self-worth" among children from those continents. (July 2002)

LONDON fire brigade personnel are being made to answer a questionnaire in which they must give details of their religion, ethnic background and sexual preference (whether `straight', `gay' or bisexual). Organisers of the scheme claim that it is to comply with new legislation which requires them to promote "equality and good relations between those of different races, religious beliefs and sexual orientation."

Those in the know say that the project has the fingerprints of Mayor Ken Livingstone all over it, and that the eventual object will be to impose race and sexual 'quotas' in the hiring of staff regardless of ability or qualification. (July 2002)

A COUPLE in Birmingham who had their car stolen were delighted when they were phoned by the police and told it had been found.

But their relief was short-lived. They were told that it was police policy not to return stolen vehicles; instead they would have to go and recover the car themselves. The couple, Lee and Sian Moore, proceeded to the address given and found that it was the home of the thief. On trying to start the car, they found the battery was flat. They called the police and were asked: "What do you want us to do about it?"

Eventually, after a scary half-hour wait, an emergency breakdown man (not connected with the police) arrived to recharge the battery. (July 2002)

ISLINGTON COUNCIL (who else?) in North London is spending £34,000 of the local taxpayers' money to send 170 of its caretaker staff on a course designed to teach them how to mop floors.

Apparently, one reason for the course is to spare the council having to pay damages to people who sue if they slip on wet surfaces. (July 2002)

A NEW SCHEME is being considered by the Government whereby prison inmates could have their mortgages paid for up to six months after they have been jailed. In addition, it is proposed that the discharge payments given to prisoners on release be raised from £40 to £100.

A think-tank set up by Tony Blair has recommended these payments on the grounds that they will make released criminals less likely to offend again. (July 2002)

THE BRITISH RED CROSS has announced that it is to abandon its homes for the elderly and disabled in the UK so that it can spend more on the welfare of asylum-seekers. An internal memo, leaked to the press, has confirmed that the charity is planning to withdraw completely from residential care in this country. The memo said: "Of all new services developed by the British Red Cross during 2001, around one in eight were for refugees and asylum-seekers, showing that this is a priority." (July 2002)

And from overseas: in Nigeria, President Olusegun Obasanjo is heading his country's new Space Council, with its £65 million programme to get Nigeria into the space age. The plan is for the bankrupt African state, with £20 billion of foreign debt, to launch its own satellite within four years. According to Turner Isoun, the country's minister for science and technology, "this is a serious project with serious benefits for Nigerians."

Legal history was made in Plymouth last month when magistrates imposed an 18-month prison sentence on a man for singing in his bath.

A half-Chinese man working for Birmingham Council's Partnership Against Racial Harassment has been awarded £116,000 for discrimination against him by senior staff.

According to a report in The Guardian Jedi, the fictional faith in the film Star Wars, is to be given official status in the next census because so many people listed it as their religion in the last one.

"Development Worker (Race Hate Crime) £24,345 to £25,617 (inclusive). You will hold key responsibility for casework and in developing projects that will tackle race hate crime and celebrate diversity. You will have knowledge and understanding of issues facing black and minority ethnic communities and people in an inner-city environment. Black and minority ethnic candidates are particularly encouraged to apply." From a job advertisement placed by the taxpayer-funded Kings Cross Community Development Trust.

Lessons in the life of John Lennon, drug-taking former pop star have been introduced into the National Curriculum for schools as an alternative to the study of historical events such as World War II. This is on the recommendation of Unit 20 of the Curriculum's "optional history" schemes, which says that an examination of Lennon's life may provide starting points to discuss "social and cultural change."

A Black teacher has been awarded more than £45,000 in compensation after being called "golliwog" and "jungle bunny" by white pupils. Pricilla Bennett, who taught at Fryerns School in Basildon, Essex, claims she suffered a nervous breakdown as a result of this experience.

The National Union of Teachers is moving to stop children at schools singing the patriotic words of "Land of Hope and Glory." The NUT objects that the words are "triumphalist and inappropriate" at a time of world conflict. In addition, young musicians should not display the Union Jack, but wave flags of every United Nations country, so as to avoid "jingoism."

A British Company is offering £60 insurance policies to asylum-seekers waiting at Calais to cover legal fees to sue the British Government if their human rights are abused once they reach this country.

The Automobile Association is producing a new road atlas of Europe, which may look a little strange to British motorists. Absent are such roads as the M4 (London to South Wales) and the M1 and M6 (London to Cumbria). Instead, these roads are referred to as, in the first case, part of the E30 (Cork to Berlin) and, in the second, part of the E5 (Glasgow to Gibraltar). The prefix "E", readers will surely have guessed, refers to "Europe". Our roads are now no longer British but "European."

A HOMOSEXUAL police officer who was questioned over pornographic computer images of 'gay' men is to retire on a £300,000 medical pension due to stress caused by the investigation.

PC Richard Hill was suspended on full pay last January after officers found the computer images during a raid on his home in Bristol. Hill was due to face an internal disciplinary panel over the matter but the case was later dropped after 18 months of legal wrangling.

BUSINESSMAN John Moses claimed he was stricken by a string of ailments and confined to a wheelchair. He managed to extract from the taxpayer benefits of £70,000 over a period of five years.

Suspicions about the genuineness of these claims were promised when Mr. Moses told insurers investigating the theft of his car that he had parked it to go jogging on his local beach in Co. Durham. Police visiting his home found no disability aids in the house, "not even a handrail on the stairs," said prosecuting counsel in the court action against him.

A MAN who stabbed his son and mother-in-law with a Sikh ceremonial dagger at a house in Ealing, West London, avoided a prison sentence when a judge ordered him to do work in the community.

Surinda Sangha (44) was told by the judge, Sam Katkhuda: "By rights you should be sent to prison now for a matter of years." It was not to be, however, as the judge decided otherwise.

FORMER holding chief of Hackney Borough, in East London, Bernard Clifton, won his appeal to overturn charges of racial discrimination brought by Sam Yeboah, a council employee. Yeboah had been awarded £380,000 after an employment tribunal ruled that Mr. Clifton had falsely linked him to a housing benefits feud involving West Africans working for the council. However, as reported in the Evening Standard, "there is no immediate question of Mr. Yeboah repaying the £380,000."

KING ARTHUR, one of Britain's great national heroes, was being played by a black French actor in a new London show described as "a modern take" on the old Celtic myth.

Entitled Merlin and opening at Riverside Studios in July, it has been described in the London Evening Standard as "such a modern production that it will faithfully reflect the multi-cultural mix of today's Britain." Hence Sir Lancelot is being played by Asian actor Selva Raslingam, Sir Gawain by Ghanaian actor Daniel Kobbina and Sir Kay by Malaysian actor Kwong Loke.

A LIBYAN enrolled as a student in Britain so that his wife could give birth to sextuplets on the NHS.

The man, a 40-year-old oil company executive, brought his wife here just five weeks before the premature births in Newcastle- upon-Tyne. He qualified for a visa by enrolling on two university courses.

The cost to the British taxpayer is estimated at £500,000.

MEANWHILE the Government has decided that the families of asylum-seekers, far from being an unjustified burden on the taxpayer, aren't getting enough. It has awarded them a rise (for doing nothing) of £50 a week. This brings the average refugee family income to £350 a week.

TRAIN DRIVER Sidhu (that's the only name given) decided that he needed a packet of cigarettes, so he abandoned his train, carrying coal, and walked to the nearest town centre, 1½ miles away. However, Sidhu got lost and couldn't find the train until an hour later.

He now faces a disciplinary inquiry. It is not known whether he will be able to plead unfamiliarity with British ways.

THE POLICE GUARD for Indian writer Salman Rusdie is estimated to cost the British taxpayer almost £1 million a year. Not that Rushdie is grateful to this country for all this protection; he still continues to run Britain down at every opportunity.

It will be remembered that Moslems put out a Fatwa (death order) on Rushdie following the publication of alleged blasphemies in his book The Satanic Verses a good many years ago.

DAVID TURNER (50) is a weathy Sheffield businessman, who decided that he wanted a Thai bride, saying afterwards: "I thought a Thai woman would be more loving and caring and faithful than a western woman." He advertised and as a result married the lady of his dreams, one Arisara (26). One up for multi-racialism!

Well, not quite. Arisara has now done a runner, taking luxury items with her worth £33,000. Says Mr Turner: "I've been totally ripped off."

ANIL PATANI, an Asian police officer in the Nottinghamshire force, was rejected for the post of superintendent after tests told his superiors he was not up to scratch. He complained, and the force, not wanting to be accused of "racism", upheld his complaint. He was put on the fast track for promotion, being promised "priority" treatment over other applicants. In due course he achieved his ambition and was made superintendent.

But now he is complaining again - and, believe it or not, the complaint is that he has been a victim of - "racism."

How so? According to Supt Patani, his rapid rise has antagonised his fellow officers, who claimed it was his race that got him the promotion. This, he says, has lost him respect, and he is suing the force as a result!

SEEN on a notice board at Lancaster University: "If you must be a heterosexual, please be discreet about it."

THE HOME OFFICE last month [March 2001] made the decision to award asylum seekers £80,000 each in compensation as a result of their being jailed on entering Britain with bogus documents. This followed a court ruling that refugees should not be put in prison for entering the country illegally.

DUNCAN FLETCHER is a white Rhodesian - that is he is a citizen of a country now known as 'Zimbabwe.' He is also the coach of the England cricket team, and as such has managed to turn a side of moderate playing talent into a winning combination.

Mr Fletcher has recently applied for a British passport. He is of 100 per cent British descent, all his grandparents have been born in Scotland. His application, however, has been turned down.

Clearly, what the cricket coach should have done before applying was paint his face brown and made a £1 million donation to the Dome.