LETTER FROM BLARE TO WILLY CLINTON

Dear Bill, Cherie and I send you and Hillary greetings. When will the ignorant masses appreciate that all great leaders like Jack Kennedy, yourself and, last but not least, myself derive our outstanding qualities from an excess of libido? The Starr report was hilarious and, in places, a turn-on for Cherie and me. The only drawback was that I don't smoke cigars. It has occurred to me that we could do a bit of wife swapping the next time Cherie and I visit the White House. What say you, Bill? Let's have a ball. There are no gum infections in our family.

Joking apart you were surely stitched up by the Republicans in spite of their statesmanlike performances before the TV cameras. My Demos team is currently evaluating the evidence. If the report is delayed you can read it in my favourite publication, VOMIT.

If you hadn't won the War of Independence you wouldn't find yourself in the shit as you do today. Our legal system would have protected you. It is I who determines what happens in all court cases and in life generally. Let us say that some uppity reporter exposes a scandal. We, Parliament, where I am King, would have decided upon a police investigation, a judicial enquiry or a public enquiry or, sometimes under duress, a court case. Cardinal Pugin will sit down with me and decide the outcome of any investigation. It is as simple as that. We can order Straw not to get the police evidence right. We can order the Attorney General not to prosecute. We can order the judges to find, as we want them to find. But these are not all the weapons in our armoury. We can gag people in a number of different ways. Police frame-ups are commonplace. We can imprison innocent people for years. Then we have MI5 and MI6 dirty tricks department. I cannot write about them other than to say that Kenneth Starr would have been a dead duck - yes dead - aeons ago.

Finally I would boost your ego by thanking you for teaching me another lesson in your speech about your broken spirit and your strong heart. From now onwards I am going to stop waving my hands about and flashing my eyes while I spout my lies to an admiring and gullible public. In some ways you are a lucky man, Bill. When you leave the White House you can either be an evangelist or become a Hollywood idol. Both roles will bring you pussy galore and spondoolicks galore!

Your friend in trouble, Tone the Mouth.

P.S. Bill, I have just seen a list of the names of 46 dead people who were in some way connected with you or Hillary. Causes of death were mainly suicide, murder and accident. You would know Barbara Wise of your Commerce Department. She worked closely with Ron Brown and John Huang. The cause of her death on 29 November 1996 was unknown. Her bruised and naked body was found locked in her office at the Department of Commerce. Cherie and I are having second thoughts about the wife swapping idea.

THE EUROPEAN COMMISSION OF HUMAN RIGHTS

This organisation makes us Vomit. You may recollect how Justice Moses of Matrix Churchill infamy attempted to hear Geoffrey Scriven's case in chambers and then waited until the Royal Courts were closed and the public excluded before he heard the case in open court. An MP complained to the Cardinal. Geoffrey Hoon, MP, Cardinal Pugin's right hand man, wrote to say that, following Norman Scarth's representations to the ECHR, the Cardinal was considering changes in procedure. What a farce! Apart from the farce we consider Hoon (another beggar on horseback) to be totally unfit for the office of Minister of State or to be even an MP. You will recall that his wife was owner of his constituency office for which he paid an excessive rent. The property was registered in her maiden name. When writing to her husband (Hoon) about increases in rent she addressed him as "Dear Sir". For years Norman Scarth has been knocked about from pillar to post by a number of bent judges and officials. He is 72 years old and served his country in WW2 on the Murmansk run. Had Norman known he that he was going to be let down by beggars on horseback masquerading as socialists he would have advised his captain to leave him behind at Murmansk at the mercy of Joe Stalin.

You have already heard how the ECHR pulled out all the stops and lied to frustrate a group case against UK judges submitted by Suzon Forscey-Moore of the Campaign for a Fair Hearing. Now the ECHR is sitting on the case until all the parties are neutralised. Last week we told you about Hoffman La Roche. If an applicant goes to the ECHR it tips off the High Contracting Party and the applicant can finish up dead. That is not an exaggeration. A current example of this was the Geoffrey Scriven case in Warrington Magistrates Court (14 September) following a prosecution for criminal damage amounting to £2 but increased by the desk sergeant to £5 to make the case look better. Mr Scriven appeared again in the High Court (16 September) before Registrar Adams who is hated by litigants in person for obstructing them. Adams produced a court judgement that Mr Scriven should have received months earlier. At present Mr Scriven has appeals before the Crown Court and the High Court. We do not propose to forewarn the crooks other than to say that they will have to fall back on a gagging procedure, imprisonment or worse.

CAMPAIGN FOR A FAIR HEARING

Suzon Forscey-Moore is attempting to make both judges and Members of Parliament accountable to the people since we are supposed to live in a democracy. She points out that 43 per cent of the vote gave the beggars on horseback 100 per cent of the power. The beggar MPs represent 1 per cent or less of the population - the fat cats. Suzon wants to see the setting up of a Procedural Complaints Court and states (1) Even without a written constitution we would be able to challenge statutes. (2) We would have the power to remove laws that proved to be unfair or injurious. (3) We would be able to level the playing field so that we are treated fairly. (4) We would then have reasonable control over our lives and environment. (5) Our elected representatives would be genuinely accountable to us. They would have to listen and serve.

Unfortunately the only way to effect such changes without a bloody revolution is to weed out about 99 per cent of MPs by forming a new political party that will attract the millions who believe that our Mother of Parliaments is in fact the whore of Parliaments. The only people who are interested in justice are those who have suffered injustice. Only a small of fraction of them are prepared to risk their necks in the cause. The appeal of the new party must be broadly based and tackle corruption in national and local government and in our institutions. We think the new party should be named the "Clean Hands Party" or the "Clean Up Party" or the "Denning Party". Your suggestions would be appreciated. Membership would be closed to members of secret societies and specifically to the Masons. Jews and Muslims, blacks and whites, homos and heteros, males and females, would qualify for membership.

BLAIR'S PHARMACEUTICAL FRIENDS

From 16 September aspirin and paracetamol can be purchased only in packets of 16. You can still trot around the chemists and buy as many as you like at ten times the price of bulk purchases. The main victims are the elderly who are advised to take one aspirin tablet per day to ward off heart attacks and other serious illnesses. If you see a little old lady making repeated visits to the chemists don't jump to the conclusion that she is buying Viagra. Blabbermouth gets a double bonus here. His friends increase their profits and will show their appreciation in tangible form. The elderly will die earlier making savings on the pension fund. Bear in mind that motormouth delayed increasing pensions for the elderly until next April while he squandered millions on his sabre rattling foray into the gulf.

DIRTY DACORUM - THE ROTTEN MASONIC BOROUGH

Councillor Johnstone has produced another report on Dirty Dacorum and Doncaster. He is the anti corruption councillor whose primary interest lies with the planners who awarded Masonic Waitrose (John Lewis Partnership) planning permission in defiance of overwhelming objections by the citizens of Berkhamsted. One planning permission was for a non-existent item. Twelve local shops have now gone out of business and the whole character of the town has changed. We believe that every local authority sees planning as a money winner for the Masons. Central government politicians must have their fingers in the pie. What other reason can there be for turning a blind eye to corruption? The local view in Doncaster is that the big fish amongst developers and planners will not be prosecuted.

Chris Mullin, MP, has replied to Councillor Johnstone explaining that he is aware of the influence of Freemasonry in local government and will be following it up. Mr Mullin also points out that new police officers and judges must declare whether they are Masons or not. What happens if they become Masons after their appointments and where is the published list? Will it be a state secret? Come off it, Chris!

JOHN PRESCOTT - THE BEGGAR ON HORSEBACK

We have mentioned his Jaguar car, the Millennium Dome, his meetings with Tesco, Tesco planning outrages and the waiving of the supermarket-parking levy. This bloated pseudo capitalist is now spending his holidays in Cyprus at the luxury home of a friend, Haris Sophoclides, head of the Greek Cypriot Brotherhood and the London based director of a multinational construction company with a turnover of £500 million per annum. It is again a sordid story of blind trusts that are not blind and donations to the Labour Party that cannot be without strings. The palatial home, situated in a secluded spot five miles from Limassol, is valued at £1 million. Prescott expects us to believe that he paid for the use of the home that was presumably self-catering. One can just imagine Fatso sniggering and dipping his hand in his trouser pocket and pulling out a few coins. "How much for the fortnight, Haris old son, including all meals and a plentiful supply of booze? Here take the lot and I'll make sure that you have no problems with planning permission anywhere in the UK but I'll want a percentage." It's just like the Prime Minister with Bernie Ecclestone, Geoffrey Robinson and Judge Keene. Nobody gives anything to a political party without expecting favours in return. Ecclestone got away with tobacco advertising. Robinson wasn't sacked. Keene will be promoted to Lord Justice. This Labour lot are not any worse than Harold Wilson's lot and no worse than the Tories. What they have done is make it appear normal and proper practice for MPs to grant favours in return for what are basically bribes.

Questions should be asked too about the new office block for MPs and the squandering of £34 millions on a bronze cladding. The excuse here is that the finish will be in keeping with surrounding buildings and the cladding will last 90 or 150 years depending upon who does the spinning. What happens if it falls off in 40 years? Will it the building be needed in 150 years? There is probably 100 per cent profit on the cladding, enough to grease a few sweaty palms. What about education and the health services? Our neo capitalist socialists must think we are mentally retarded. It is time that we had an honest political party with a death penalty for anyone who behaves like today's politicians.

EAST DEVON COUNCIL AND MICHAEL COUGHLIN

Michael Coughlin lives at Pooh Cottage, Bear Lane, Budleigh Salterton, Devon EX9 7AQ. His mobile phone number 0976 695 656. Last week we reported that following police/council harassment Mr Coughlin had decided to demolish his home and was swindled out of £30,000 by the council. In fact the council ordered him to demolish his home. This week we have received a large bundle of documents from Mr Coughlin but have not had time to study these. Will someone tell him to get a standard telephone and fax machine? We are absolutely inundated with mail.

Report from John W Wilmott of VOMIT USA

This man can write more than we can read. He is a pilot who flew Jews, fleeing from Hitler, out of Lisbon. He also flew bombers over Germany when the survival rate was uncomfortably low. There is a Jewish militia in Albany under the aegis of the Jewish Defence League with a licence to kill Arabs, anti Semites and Muslims (Radio report). John believes that Israel, supported by American Jews, poses a serious threat to peace that will result in the obliteration of Israel and bring America to its knees. The Halifax crash black boxes have been found but the last words from the cockpit have not been released to the public suggesting that there is something to hide. Sabotage perhaps? John is a great admirer of Israeli President Weizman whom he has met and with whom he corresponds. Not all Jews are bad.

"Labour Camp" by Stephen Bayley

This book is due out soon. Bayley was creative director at the Millennium Dome. Note that he resigned in disgust and was not, as the spin-doctors would have you believe, fired. He says "I am not homophobic, but this is a potent force behind our elected officials and it appears taboo even to mention it. Some gays tasting power for the first time are acting like Freemasons, making decisions away from the public gaze. This is not healthy." Bayley takes a swipe at the Cardinal who wants the world to believe that he is a connoisseur of art and a great mind. He is neither. He quotes Susan Sontag to explain Irvine's culture. "bad to the point of being laughable but not to the point of being enjoyable". Bayley states that what Irvine has done is not fastidious archaeology but a garish demonstration of camp sensibility. Bayley also likens New Labour to Nazism. How right he is in all he says. Drink to the shirtlifters of Millbank. MEPs refer to the cabinet room as "the pink room". Now you know why they are gunning for David Shayler. It is time for Ministers to come out of the closet.

Published by J M Todd, Misbourne Farmhouse, Amersham Road, Chalfont St Giles, Bucks. HP8 4RU